Understanding the experience of grief.

When a person dies suddenly from an accident, murder, or suicide, more often than not a young person is involved. Such a death is not only completely unexpected, it also violates our sense of what is right and normal. Usually, however, it is an elderly family member that who dies, typically from cancer, stroke, or debilitating heard condition. These illnesses, by their very nature, help us to prepare for what is to come. Yet the death of a loved one – young or old – is still a shock even when we have had some forewarning.

As intelligent as human beings are, and as much as we are able to control different aspects of our lives, there is still much that we do not know about our emotions, the working of the mind of the part chance plays on our lives. As a result, we find it almost impossible to explain to a grieving father or mother, for example, why their son or daughter was killed or committed suicide.

We do, however, understand more fully the profound emotional experience of grief. We know how a survivor, generally will react when informed of the death of a loved one as well as what may enhance or hinder a survivor’s recovery from loss.

Shock

Initially one reacts to the news of a death with shock and disbelief; the mind rejects such an overwhelming and unacceptable occurrence. Shock can induce physical sensations, such as vertigo or nausea, as well as the need to be active. One’s emotions can frequently be overwhelming; waves of sadness, that are seemingly never-ending are common. On the other hand, when one is in shock, he or she can feel so numb as to be incapable of crying.

Anger

Another reaction to loss is anger. Anger is an intense and frequently uncontrollable emotion and is one of the most difficult aspects of the grief experience. One can experience anger toward the person help responsible for the death: the incompetent doctor; the negligent driver; the careless friend. Anger can also be directed toward the deceased, especially if in some way the death was the result of recklessness or was self inflicted. One can even be angry with oneself or with God for allowing such a tragedy to occur.

Paradoxically, laughter can also be a response to grief. One may laugh at inappropriate moments or uncontrollably for no apparent reason. Laughter, however, serves to relieve tension and can be a most welcome relief from such an intense emotion as anger.

Guilt

Guild is a reaction often experienced by a survivor. It is a feeling of personal responsibility for a death that often engulfs a person. A parent, for example, may feel just as guilty for the death of a child that occurred a thousand miles from home and under circumstances beyond anyone’s control as a parent whose child died as a result of being poisoned with a household cleaner that had been left with in reach.

Shame

Shame can be felt following a death, especially in the case of a suicide. For a spouse or other family member to take his own life, for example, can be seen as an act of rejection. For the survivor, to be faced with the fact that the deceased preferred death to life, can produce a wrenching sense of shame.

Preoccupation

One aspect of grief that has been recognized is the desire of a survivor to describe in detail the circumstances surrounding a death. This is an important, although frequently overlooked, reaction to loss. It is, however, part of the process whereby survivors come to accept what has occurred.

Dependency

Another response to loss that is confusing and sometimes troublesome is the degree to which a survivor may become dependent on others. Regardless of how capable and independent a person is normally, he or she may become incapacitated or immobilized by the death of a loved one. This can often lead to a sense of frustration on the part of the survivor who may have difficulty accepting this temporary condition.

Suggestibility

What is also frequently observed in bereaved persons is a heightened state of suggestibility. A widow may impulsively sell her home on the advice of a family member. A grieving widower may remarry shortly after the death of his wife. Such hasty decisions may add to the burdens of the survivor at a later date. Care should be taken by all involved to minimize difficult decisions during grief.

Dreams and Nightmares

An aspect of sudden and unexpected loss that can be very disturbing to the survivor is the experience of vivid dreams or nightmares. While they may be distressing and indeed terrifying in most cases they will fade with time. Hallucinations

What can also be upsetting to the survivor are hallucinations. These are apparent sights or sounds or a “sense of presence” of the deceased. Widows have reported hallucinatory experiences for up to ten years following the death of their husbands. Many report, however, that such experiences are a welcome comfort. Others, on the other hand, are unfamiliar with such mental processes and are profoundly disturbed by them, or believe that they may be losing their minds. Hallucinations, like vivid dreams, generally disappear over time.

Behavioral Changes

Far more common than these mental disruptions, however, are abrupt changes in behavior that can be observed in survivors. Such changes include: inability to sleep, chances in appetite, increased smoking or drinking, or impulsive acts. They should be cautioned that when such behavior threatens to become injurious to themselves or others, professional guidance or assistance should be considered.

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