Never Been to a Funeral?

Experiencing the untimely death of a loved one is not as common today as it was earlier in the century. Childhood diseases are rarely fatal and medical science saves or prolongs the lives of many who formally would have died. We generally live longer. The death of a family member or a friend, therefore, comes not only as a shock to us, but is also an experience for which we are not usually prepared.

If you have never attended a funeral, you probably don’t know what to expect and what you should do or say. This pamphlet has been prepared to address some of most frequently asked questions about funeral services.

What is a funeral?

A funeral is a ceremony in which a person’s death is acknowledged and his or her life is remembered. For many, a funeral expresses their religious beliefs concerning the fact of death and the meaning of life. It is an occasion that allows us to give and receive social support. It also provides an opportunity for the survivors to gather together and show their respect through the formal disposition of the deceased’s body.

Why should I attend a funeral?

When you attend a funeral, you honor the memory of the deceased and show sympathy for the survivors. At the same time, you have the opportunity to express your own sorrow or grief.

What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service?

A funeral us a type of memorial service. The difference is, at a funeral, the body of the deceased is present, while at a memorial service, it is not.

What is the purpose of viewing the body?

The expression “seeing is believing” suggests the most important reason for viewing the body. Many people find it extremely difficult to accept that a loved one has died. When you see – with your own eyes – that a person is dead, you are more likely to accept the reality of his or her death.

Must everyone who attends a funeral view the body?

No, Many people wish to remember the deceased as he or she was alive and well. There are others, who have already accepted the death, who may not wish to view the body. While viewing the body of the deceased can often be helpful, emotionally, it is not always necessary. Occasionally, a person may prefer to view the body privately. This can be arranged by speaking to the funeral director.

What is a eulogy?

A eulogy is a short speech that both recalls and honors the life of the deceased. A eulogy can include a poem, a song or a story. Friends as well as family members can offer eulogies on behalf of the deceased. If you would like to participate in this aspect of the funeral, tell someone who is responsible for the arrangements.

What is a committal service?

It is a ceremony that is held at the grave-site at the time of burial or when the deceased’s ashes are scattered, entombed, or buried.

What is cremation?

Cremation is the burning of a dead body to ashes. Following a cremation, the deceased’s ashes may be buried, kept in a special container called an urn, or scattered.

If the body is to be cremated, can a funeral ceremony still be held?

Yes. Whether a body is cremated, rites for the deceased can still be held. Cremation need not affect the decisions for family members and friends to gather together.

What should I say to a family member at a funeral.

You may express sympathy in very simple ways. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry that your father died.” You might also share a memory, “I remember all the good times fishing with Mike.” However, as the saying goes, “Your presence speaks louder than words.”

Are there some things I should not say to family members at a funeral?

Yes. It is important to remember that this is a time of grief. Grief is a reaction to loss that needs to be experienced. An attempt to cheer up a grieving person may do more harm than good. It is not helpful to say things such as, “Don’t cry, you have got to be strong,” or “I know just how you feel.” These remarks are not helpful because the grieving person might have a strong need to cry and no two grief experiences are the same. On the other hand, it has been proven helpful to ask, “How are you feeling?” or “Would you like to talk?” or offer assistance such as running errands or answering the telephone.

Should I send a sympathy card?

Yes, a sympathy card is always appropriate. A card with a personal note describing what the deceased meant to you is always appreciated.

What should I wear to a funeral?

As the ceremony of the funeral has changed, so too have the funeral customs and practices. Today, fewer people wear black at a funeral. In general, people wear what they consider appropriate for church services: a dress or dress pants and a blouse for a young woman, a shirt and slacks or jacket and slacks for a young man. Attending the funeral and expressing your sympathy, however, is more important than what you wear.

What else should I expect at a funeral?

Funeral customs in America vary considerably among religious, racial, and ethnic groups. While particular funeral practices may be unusual or different, what needs to be remembered is that they all serve the same purpose, that is, honoring the deceased while lending support to the bereaved family member.

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